** If  Made Toasters **

If IBM made toasters:

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for
overnight toasting.  IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters.  The catchy ad campaign would be entitled "Toasters for a small
Planet" - a discussion with you an your dentist about IBM's incredible
success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic Games.


If Andersen Consulting made toasters:

It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered simple yet
radical interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging visionary
offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of carbonation
degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of
worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food services for
enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in an
impactful environment which is strategically based, industry focused and
aligned with your family's mission, vision and core values.


If Microsoft made toasters:

Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of
the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.  Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters (identifiable with a "Made For
Toaster'95" decal).


If Apple made toasters:

It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
Of course, the Apple Toaster would be exactly the same in function and
technology for the next 10 years, changing only the color of the levers and 
the sound it makes when your toast is ready.  


If Xerox made toasters:

You could toast one-sided or two-sided.  Successive slices would get lighter
and lighter.  The toaster would jam your bread for you, and collate if
necessary.


If Radio Shack made toasters:

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.  Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.


If Oracle made toasters:

They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and that indeed
the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.


If Sun made toasters:

The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cuppa Java.


If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:

They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
regular bread.


If TRW Corporation made toasters:

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.  Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  Their service
department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified Government documents.  The X-Files would
have an episode about it.


If Sony made toasters:

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of bread it
is meant to toast and can be conveniently attached to your belt.


If Fisher-Price made toasters:

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the
bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.


If the Franklin Mint made toasters:

Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.